Deutsch’s Diatribe

No umbrellas.  Manly men do not use umbrellas.  They don’t care if their head gets wet, and they certainly don’t care if their hair gets messed up.  Pretty boys need not apply to the Manly Hair Club for Men.

After all, if there was ever an instance in which a manly man would actually need an umbrella—say, if six-inch hail was falling from the sky, the umbrella wouldn’t do much good, anyway.  If that was the case, a manly man would use a less manly man to shield him from the hail.

The only situation in which a manly man should keep an umbrella in his trunk is if he uses it to beat people, preferably muggers, purse snatchers, bank robbers, and people who take 25 items through the express lane.

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Thought of the Day:

“They deem him their worst enemy who tells them the truth.”

Plato, philosopher (427-347 BC)

Testosterone is a subject that screams to be blogged about. There are a number of reasons, but the main one is this—it can either be your friend . . . or your enemy.  That’s why I’m titling this series of blogs “Testosterone: Friend or Foe.”

What better person to discuss this subject than a man, who has first-hand experience with testosterone and the mind-altering qualities it possesses. It might surprise you that a man would come right out and state that testosterone can be detrimental to his existence, that it’s not some be-all, end-all elixir hormone capable of solving any problem or meeting any need, without the aid of pesky directions.

Nothing could be more misleading. Just like anything else, testosterone has its positive aspects and its negative ones, and also like anything else, its impact is predicated as much upon the person in possession of the hormone as the hormone itself. And guys, just relax. Although it might seem as though I’m participating in some passive form of male bashing, all I’m really doing is telling the truth.

Of course, the truth is often one of those things that testosterone has a real problem with.

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Think About This:

“Testosterone has been accorded vast powers, as the libido hormone, the aggression hormone, and the dominance hormone.”

Anonymous

Okay, I feel I must provide a little clarification on this particular series of posts. When I say that people are either in one camp or the other—vampires or zombies—I don’t mean that the selection of said camp should based upon which one you’d rather be. All things being equal, I’d rather be neither. Luckily for me, that’s a viable option. No, the selection should be based upon which one you’re a bigger fan of within the realm of pop culture entertainment.

Now, you’re certainly permitted to choose one camp or the other based upon the fact you’d like to actually be a vampire or a zombie, but it’s not a prerequisite. Quite the contrary. When I initially thought of this series, I didn’t take the possibility—or allure—of such a transformation into consideration. (To be honest, the allure lies heavily on the vampire side. Of this I am sure.) However, it’s obvious I must take it into consideration going forward.

Consequently, when I blog about the pros and cons associated with vampires and zombies in the future, I’ll include the “What if I became one?” hypothetical situation and the scenarios that might result from such an event.  It’s only fair, I suppose, if my goal is to present an even-handed, impartial, fair, and balanced look at what might possibly be one of the most pointless arguments in the history of our civilization.

By the way, “Blood-sucking Brain Eaters” would be a great name for a band. Just saying . . .

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Think About This:

“I just read this great science fiction story. It’s about how machines take control of humans and turn them into zombie slaves! HEY! What time is it? My TV show is on!”

Calvin, from the comic strip Calvin & Hobbes, by Bill Watterson (1958-present)

You may have read this already.  My buddy Drea Codispoti forwarded it to me in an email.  However, if you haven’t, you might find it to be not only the world’s shortest fairy tale, but also one of the funniest, especially if you’re a member of the male gender. Cinderella this is not. I welcome your thoughts and comments.

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, “Will you marry me?”

The girl said, “’NO!”
 
And the guy lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End

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Think About This:

“Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it.”

Maurice Chevalier, French actor and singer (1888-1972)

There are two distinct factions in this country right now.  It’s not a political feud, Republicans vs. Democrats or some such nonsense. It’s much more serious than that.

It involves those who are infatuated with vampires . . . and those who are obsessed with zombies.

I’m not quite sure how this happened, but zombies and vampires have both secured a sizeable amount of market share within our popular culture. With no marketing on their behalf, I might add! They’re in books, movies, greeting cards, you name it.  You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting either a vampire or a zombie. (Now that’s a Halloween sentiment if ever there was one.)

Since that holiday is just around the corner, I’m going to take some blogging time to examine this issue, which is gaining prominence with each passing day.

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, I’m firmly in the zombie camp. However, there are arguments for both sides. Stay tuned to find out what they are.

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Think About This:

“Everyone is a moon and has a dark side, which he never shows to anybody.”

Mark Twain, author and humorist (1835-1910)

I signed up for Twitter recently, one of the three big social networking sites, the others being Facebook and MySpace. I almost can’t put MySpace in that category these days, though. It started out like a ball of fire, but has since flamed out.  Instead of using a picture for Twitter, like I did for FB, I created an avatar instead (with the help of my good friend Beth Hilson). While creating this avatar, I had a choice of backgrounds and props.

I decided upon a movie theater setting, and for a prop, I gave myself a bag of popcorn. You might think these choices were random, but they were not.  I chose them because they’re symbolic, and it goes beyond the fact that I love movies. If you watch closely enough, the world in general is far more entertaining than any movie, and that’s how I envision my online endeavors . . . just me sitting back and enjoying the show.

That’s why I’ll soon be starting a “People and the Weird Things They Do” series on Deutsch’s Diatribe. Every day, somebody somewhere is doing something incredibly weird, strange, unusual, or just plain stupid. Hopefully, I’ll be able to bring the best (i.e., the most entertaining) to you and analyze them in a manner that befits each unique situation. Keep in mind that I encourage you to send me weird news articles and stories (as my good friend Stacey Powell does on a regular basis). Email all such stories—or their links—to matt@mattdeutsch.com.

I hope you enjoy this series and that the things I write about never, ever involve you. (Oh, and by the way, click here to follow me on Twitter.)

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Think About This:

“Is it weird in here, or is it just me?”

Stephen Wright, comedian

I’m starting a new blog series that’s really an old one. It’s my “Things I’ve Learned in Life” series. In the previous version of this blog, the series was good, but it was inflexible. In other words, it left no room for growth. That’s because sometimes the things you learn in life change, or the things you thought you learned are really smaller parts of something bigger . . . or they’re something different altogether.

This time, the series will more accurately mirror life. That means changes and amendments might have to be made, topics could be revisited due to the occurrence of recent events, or a past installment may be elaborated upon. Learning is a never-ending process, especially if the subject matter is as all-encompassing as what I’m attempting to tackle (and chronicle).

Considering the nature of the series, it will probably be the longest-running one in this blog. In addition, I’ll be re-posting some of my previous installments, although most of them will be altered in some fashion. Other posts, of course, will be brand new. The cool part is that I have no idea where this series will go, mainly because I’m not in control of it—not entirely, anyway.

Most of the time in life, you don’t know you’re going to learn something before you learn it, and sometimes you don’t even realize you’re learning something while you’re in the process of learning it. Talk about a suck-fest. The true tragedy, though, is forgetting things you’ve already learned . . . and maybe even making the same mistakes twice.

Of course, that can be avoided if you have your own blog.

This one happened recently. (Keep in mind that my son just turned 12 years old and has yet to see the movie discussed in the following exchange.)

“Hey, dad?”

“Yes?”

“You know what scary movie probably wouldn’t be scary to me?”

“Which one?”

“Children of the Corn.”

“Why is that?”

“Because it’s about children killing adults. Why would that be scary to me? I’m a kid. I’d be safe.”

“So you’re saying that the movie would be more scary for me than it would be for you?”

“Sure.”

“And you’re also saying that the movie would be more scary for you once you become an adult than it would be for you right now?”

“Yep.”

“Actually, son, you know what scares me more than that movie?”

“What?”

“This conversation.”

If you have kids, you know they say the darndest things. I encourage you to share your stories, and of course, to check back for future installments in this series.

The names of products intrigue me. (As my most recent post about car names colorfully  illustrates.)

Take, for instance, jaw breakers. This is a type of candy. If you were to judge it solely by its name, does it sound appealing? Most certainly not. What are the makers of this candy implying? That their carefully labeled confection accurately simulates the experience of having your jaw broken? Count me out. Pass the Smarties.

And what if you didn’t even know what jaw breakers were and somebody offered them to you?

“Hey, buddy, want a jaw breaker?”
“Uh . . . no.”
“You don’t know what you’re missin’.”
“I’m fairly certain that I do.”

If companies want to sell candy by tying it to a specific experience, they should name the candy “Hot Sex.” My instincts tell me that name would conjur up more pleasing thoughts than if a person were to contemplate at length what it would feel like to have their jaw fractured, possibly in multiple places.

Upon further reflection, forget the Smarties. I’ll take a bag of ”Hot Sex” instead.

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Think About This:

“There is wisdom in turning as often as possible from the familiar to the unfamiliar: it keeps the mind nimble, it kills prejudice, and it  fosters humor.”

George Santayana, philosopher (1863-1952)

I’m starting a new series in this blog.  (Because really, I don’t have enough of them going as it is, right?)

The names of certain cars befuddle me.  Specifically, I can’t understand the thought process behind the naming of these cars.  One such vehicle is the Ford Probe.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but what possible positive connation accompanies the word “probe”?  Is that a pleasant word?  If so, under what circumstances?  And if those circumstances do exist, should they serve as the basis for naming a car?

Whenever somebody mentions a “probe,” people usually make themselves scarce. It could be a congressional probe. It could be a financial probe. It could be a type of probe that will remain nameless in this family-friendly blog. Doesn’t matter. The mere mention of such things will clear out a room . . . or at the very least, make people rather uncomfortable.

Nonetheless, somebody at Ford thought that naming the company’s compact car “The Probe” was a good idea.  Why not call the car “The Inquest”?  How about “The Inquisition”? Or maybe “The Poker” or the “The Prodder”?

Unfortunately, the possibilities are endless.  The logic, on the other hand, is not.

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Think About This:

“A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from the vexation of thinking.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson, writer and philosopher (1803-1882)