Deutsch’s Diatribe

This one happened recently. (Keep in mind that my son just turned 12 years old and has yet to see the movie discussed in the following exchange.)

“Hey, dad?”

“Yes?”

“You know what scary movie probably wouldn’t be scary to me?”

“Which one?”

“Children of the Corn.”

“Why is that?”

“Because it’s about children killing adults. Why would that be scary to me? I’m a kid. I’d be safe.”

“So you’re saying that the movie would be more scary for me than it would be for you?”

“Sure.”

“And you’re also saying that the movie would be more scary for you once you become an adult than it would be for you right now?”

“Yep.”

“Actually, son, you know what scares me more than that movie?”

“What?”

“This conversation.”

If you have kids, you know they say the darndest things. I encourage you to share your stories, and of course, to check back for future installments in this series.

I picked my son up from school when he was in the first grade. He came out to greet me, and he was very excited.

“Daddy, we ate lunch in the bacteria today!”

Considering it was a school lunch, I believed this to be absolutely true.  Still . . . I had my doubts that it was 100% accurate. I was missing something.

“What?”

“We ate lunch in the bacteria!”

Hmmm . . . trying to connect the dots . . . almost there . . . wait for it . . . Aha!

“Do you mean you ate lunch in the cafeteria today?”

“That’s what I said.”

If you have kids, you know they say the darndest things. I encourage you to share your stories, and of course, to check back for future installments in this series.

I was driving to my mother’s house with my son when he was about five years old.  Once again, he asks a question from the backseat:

“Dad?”

“Yes?”

“Are we going to take a haircut to grandma’s?”

“What?”

“Are we going to take a haircut to grandma’s?”

“Do you want grandma to cut your hair?”

“No.”

“Then what are you asking?”

“Are we going to take a haircut to grandma’s?”

“Do you mean are we going to take a shortcut to grandma’s?”

“That’s what I said.”

If you have kids, you know they say the darndest things. I encourage you to share your stories, and of course, to check back for future installments in this series.

About four or five years ago, I was taking my son to school, barreling down Route 77 North to Stow from Canton. Anybody who’s driven that stretch during morning rush hour traffic knows how much fun it is.

Anyway, as I’m flying down the road in the left-hand lane, a car in the next lane attempts to squeeze in front of me. It was a rather reckless move, since there wasn’t much space between me and car up ahead. So I hit the gas, thus closing the gap and eliminating the car’s opportunity to cut me off.

At the same time, I uttered out loud, “No way, jack. Forget about it.”

After a few moments of silence, a voice reaches me from the back seat: “Hey, dad?”

“Yes?”

“Do you know that guy?”

“What guy?”

“The guy in the next lane.”

“No, I don’t know him. Why do you ask?”

“Because you called him by his first name.”

If you have kids, you know they say the darndest things. I encourage you to share your stories, and of course, to check back for future installments in this series.