Deutsch’s Diatribe

Manly men do not sit right next to each other in the movie theater.

They may do so only if the theater is packed full to capacity.  Scratch that.  If the theater is packed full to capacity, a manly man will make a less manly man move so that there is one empty seat between him and his equally manly friend.

There is no compromising in manly-man world.  Only different degrees of suffering for those who are less manly.

I can’t explain this law; it’s more instinctual than anything else, almost like an unwritten code of conduct.  Besides, the empty seat is a great place to stash your popcorn, candy, and slingshots.  (After all, people who stand up directly in front of you to go to the bathroom need to know how you feel about your view being obstructed.)

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Thought of the Day:

“They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They’re not laughing now.”

Bob Monkhouse, comedian (1928-2003)

No umbrellas.  Manly men do not use umbrellas.  They don’t care if their head gets wet, and they certainly don’t care if their hair gets messed up.  Pretty boys need not apply to the Manly Hair Club for Men.

After all, if there was ever an instance in which a manly man would actually need an umbrella—say, if six-inch hail was falling from the sky, the umbrella wouldn’t do much good, anyway.  If that was the case, a manly man would use a less manly man to shield him from the hail.

The only situation in which a manly man should keep an umbrella in his trunk is if he uses it to beat people, preferably muggers, purse snatchers, bank robbers, and people who take 25 items through the express lane.

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Thought of the Day:

“They deem him their worst enemy who tells them the truth.”

Plato, philosopher (427-347 BC)

Testosterone is a subject that screams to be blogged about. There are a number of reasons, but the main one is this—it can either be your friend . . . or your enemy.  That’s why I’m titling this series of blogs “Testosterone: Friend or Foe.”

What better person to discuss this subject than a man, who has first-hand experience with testosterone and the mind-altering qualities it possesses. It might surprise you that a man would come right out and state that testosterone can be detrimental to his existence, that it’s not some be-all, end-all elixir hormone capable of solving any problem or meeting any need, without the aid of pesky directions.

Nothing could be more misleading. Just like anything else, testosterone has its positive aspects and its negative ones, and also like anything else, its impact is predicated as much upon the person in possession of the hormone as the hormone itself. And guys, just relax. Although it might seem as though I’m participating in some passive form of male bashing, all I’m really doing is telling the truth.

Of course, the truth is often one of those things that testosterone has a real problem with.

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Think About This:

“Testosterone has been accorded vast powers, as the libido hormone, the aggression hormone, and the dominance hormone.”

Anonymous

Okay, I feel I must provide a little clarification on this particular series of posts. When I say that people are either in one camp or the other—vampires or zombies—I don’t mean that the selection of said camp should based upon which one you’d rather be. All things being equal, I’d rather be neither. Luckily for me, that’s a viable option. No, the selection should be based upon which one you’re a bigger fan of within the realm of pop culture entertainment.

Now, you’re certainly permitted to choose one camp or the other based upon the fact you’d like to actually be a vampire or a zombie, but it’s not a prerequisite. Quite the contrary. When I initially thought of this series, I didn’t take the possibility—or allure—of such a transformation into consideration. (To be honest, the allure lies heavily on the vampire side. Of this I am sure.) However, it’s obvious I must take it into consideration going forward.

Consequently, when I blog about the pros and cons associated with vampires and zombies in the future, I’ll include the “What if I became one?” hypothetical situation and the scenarios that might result from such an event.  It’s only fair, I suppose, if my goal is to present an even-handed, impartial, fair, and balanced look at what might possibly be one of the most pointless arguments in the history of our civilization.

By the way, “Blood-sucking Brain Eaters” would be a great name for a band. Just saying . . .

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Think About This:

“I just read this great science fiction story. It’s about how machines take control of humans and turn them into zombie slaves! HEY! What time is it? My TV show is on!”

Calvin, from the comic strip Calvin & Hobbes, by Bill Watterson (1958-present)

You may have read this already.  My buddy Drea Codispoti forwarded it to me in an email.  However, if you haven’t, you might find it to be not only the world’s shortest fairy tale, but also one of the funniest, especially if you’re a member of the male gender. Cinderella this is not. I welcome your thoughts and comments.

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, “Will you marry me?”

The girl said, “’NO!”
 
And the guy lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End

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Think About This:

“Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it.”

Maurice Chevalier, French actor and singer (1888-1972)

There are two distinct factions in this country right now.  It’s not a political feud, Republicans vs. Democrats or some such nonsense. It’s much more serious than that.

It involves those who are infatuated with vampires . . . and those who are obsessed with zombies.

I’m not quite sure how this happened, but zombies and vampires have both secured a sizeable amount of market share within our popular culture. With no marketing on their behalf, I might add! They’re in books, movies, greeting cards, you name it.  You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting either a vampire or a zombie. (Now that’s a Halloween sentiment if ever there was one.)

Since that holiday is just around the corner, I’m going to take some blogging time to examine this issue, which is gaining prominence with each passing day.

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, I’m firmly in the zombie camp. However, there are arguments for both sides. Stay tuned to find out what they are.

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Think About This:

“Everyone is a moon and has a dark side, which he never shows to anybody.”

Mark Twain, author and humorist (1835-1910)

I signed up for Twitter recently, one of the three big social networking sites, the others being Facebook and MySpace. I almost can’t put MySpace in that category these days, though. It started out like a ball of fire, but has since flamed out.  Instead of using a picture for Twitter, like I did for FB, I created an avatar instead (with the help of my good friend Beth Hilson). While creating this avatar, I had a choice of backgrounds and props.

I decided upon a movie theater setting, and for a prop, I gave myself a bag of popcorn. You might think these choices were random, but they were not.  I chose them because they’re symbolic, and it goes beyond the fact that I love movies. If you watch closely enough, the world in general is far more entertaining than any movie, and that’s how I envision my online endeavors . . . just me sitting back and enjoying the show.

That’s why I’ll soon be starting a “People and the Weird Things They Do” series on Deutsch’s Diatribe. Every day, somebody somewhere is doing something incredibly weird, strange, unusual, or just plain stupid. Hopefully, I’ll be able to bring the best (i.e., the most entertaining) to you and analyze them in a manner that befits each unique situation. Keep in mind that I encourage you to send me weird news articles and stories (as my good friend Stacey Powell does on a regular basis). Email all such stories—or their links—to matt@mattdeutsch.com.

I hope you enjoy this series and that the things I write about never, ever involve you. (Oh, and by the way, click here to follow me on Twitter.)

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Think About This:

“Is it weird in here, or is it just me?”

Stephen Wright, comedian