Deutsch’s Diatribe

Blogging about relationships is fun. Okay, it’s mostly fun, but that’s good enough for me. What sparked this upcoming series of blogs was this article, titled “How to Get Inside a Guy’s Mind.” It was published by, you guessed it, Cosmopolitan.com.

This article claims to be able to de-code what men are really saying when they say something to their significant other. Being a guy and having a mind, I thought this might be a good opportunity to put it to use. Specifically, I wanted to see how close my analytic thinking is in comparison to people who put this article together. (Or person. After all, it could have been one. But I doubt it.)

So stick with me. I plan to break down each and every one of the 10 phrases this article addresses. Who knows? Maybe we’ll all learn something . . . myself included.

At the front of a post office, there are usually two boxes for people to drop off their mail as they drive through. The sensible and logical thing to do would be to drive up to the last one—if there’s nobody in front of you—so that people behind you can use the second box. Not only is it sensible and logical, it’s courteous.

But I would say that 75% of the people driving in front of me do NOT do that. No, they stop at the first one, making me (and other cars) wait behind them. Is it too much of an imposition to drive the extra 20 or 30 feet? Is it a matter of laziness? It’s not like they have to walk there. They’re operating a motorized vehicle, after all, although I use the term “operating” loosely.

How self-absorbed do you have to be to not even realize that there are other human beings around you? Or is it that they realize the presence of others, but that they simply don’t care? They enjoy making people wait. It’s their world, right? Everybody else is just paying rent.

Needless to say, I always pull ahead to the last postal box. Because if I didn’t, then I would be a hypocrite . . . and hypocrites are my biggest pet peeve.

I am hardly interested in the Oscar Awards. I might give them a passing glance once the winners are announced, but I certainly don’t watch the ceremony on television. I have better things to do than that. Like sleep.

No, the awards I’m interested in are known as the Razzies, and they’re given out every year for the worst films and the worst performances in Hollywood. The official name of the awards are the Golden Raspberry Awards, and they’re in their 30th year of existence. You read that correctly.

This year, there’s twice the fun at the Razzies, because voters are picking the worst of the decade, as well as the worst of 2009. Can it get better than that? With apologies to comedian Brian Regan, I submit that it can not! Hollywood needs to be called out for the crap that it produces on a consistent basis, and the Razzies do just that.

For instance, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen? It sucked. Admit it. The result? Seven Razzie nominations! Land of the Lost also landed seven nominations, while Megan Fox garnered worst actress nominations for two different movies (Revenge of the Fallen and Jennifer’s Body). How dead-on is that?

офис столовеClick here for an article that details some more highlights from this year’s nominations, and click here to visit the Razzies website. Award winners will be announced on Saturday, March 6 . . . one day before the Oscars. As it should be.

At my weekly men’s prayer meeting, I learned a very simple yet powerful strategy involving how God can work in your life. And it’s quite easy to remember, because it involves three steps, and they all start with the letter O.

1. Opportunity–God provides an opportunity for you to do something.
2. Obedience–You are obedient in seizing the opportunity that he has provided for you.
3. Outcome–God is faithful, because of your obedience, to bring about the desired outcome.

When you consider that only one of the three steps are our responsibility, how difficult could it be? Right?

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Think About This:

“One act of obedience is better than one hundred sermons.”

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, German Lutheran pastor (1906-1945)

Here’s an expression I love: “Thank you in advance.”

It’s great because you say it assuming the person is going to do what you’ve asked them to do. In fact, by saying it, you infer that if the person doesn’t do what you’ve asked, then they should somehow feel a twinge of regret or guilt. As if what you’re asking isn’t that much of a burden and won’t take up too much of their time.

In many instances, you don’t even wait for them to answer. This is especially the case if you’re writing a letter . . . because how are they going to answer? With another letter?

“I know you’re going to do this, because I’m me and you’re you, so . . . thanks in advance.”

It’s almost as if they should feel grateful that you took the time to thank them in advance. After all, they should be happy you thanked them at all! I mean really, the unmitigated gall! What? Do they believe they deserve something MORE? What is the matter with people these days?

Um, sorry about that. I kind of got carried away. Please forgive me.

I thank you in advance.

– — –

Think About This:

“If you wait to do everything until you’re sure it’s right, you’ll probably never do much of anything.”

Win Borden, author (1943 – present)

So of course, this is the time when you see all sorts of advice articles regarding New Year’s Resolutions, how to make them, how to keep them, etc.  One article I came across recently contained a rather interesting suggestion for how to ensure you keep your resolutions.  That suggestion is this one:

“Get better friends.”

Okay, now correct me if I’m wrong, but this sounds more like an actual resolution than it does a way in which to keep them. I suppose there are instances where it would make sense, say if your resolution was to “stop robbing banks.”  And if you’re a crystal meth addict, and you have friends who are crystal meth addicts, then it would also seem to be a sound strategy. But I’ve yet to have a friend of mine utilize peer pressure in an attempt to talk me out of a New Year’s Resolution.

“Matt, I heard about your resolution. It ain’t gonna fly.”
“But I feel that running every red light might be hazardous to my long-term health.”
“That’s going to reflect poorly upon us, your friends. Could you just stop smoking instead?”
“But I don’t smoke.”
“Maybe it’s time you started.”
“Okay, I’ll resolve to start smoking this year. I’ll resolve to stop next year.”
“Now you’re making sense.”

– — –

Think About This:

“An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.”

Bill Vaughn, American columnist and author (1915-1977)

I love words. After all, I’m a writer. I also love how words evolve, develop, and are born.

That’s why I’m fascinated by things like Lake Superior University’s annual list of words they believe should be banned from everyday use. The school recently released its 35^th annual list, and as you might imagine, the list contains some deserving choices.  At the top of the list was the phrase “shovel-ready.”

The term refers to infrastructure projects that are ready to break ground and has been popularly used to describe road, bridge, and other construction projects fueled by stimulus funds from President Barack Obama’s administration.

But when you really think about it, that word could describe people, too. After all, we’re going to die one day. That makes us all “shovel-ready,” doesn’t it?

“Hey, Frank. I hear that Marco isn’t doing so hot these days.”
“No, he isn’t. He’s in the intensive care unit now. It don’t look too good.”
“He’s pretty much shovel-ready, ain’t he?”

– — –

Think About This:

“Slang is a language that rolls up its sleeves, spits on its hands, and goes to work.”

Carl Sanburg, American writer, editor, and poet (1878-1967)

People underestimate the importance of desire. Nothing can happen without desire. It precedes every action, including the act of getting out of bed in the morning. If you don’t have a desire to do so, you’re not going to do so.

Actually, let me clarify that a little further. If your desire to get out of bed is not greater than your desire to stay in bed, then you’re not going anywhere. Everybody has a desire to do something. You might be saying to yourself, “You’re wrong, Matt. I don’t want to do anything.” Well, in actuality, you’re saying, “I have a desire to do nothing.”

And why is that? Because not only are both desire and lack of desire a conscious choice, so are the actions that result from them. Desire in the mind and the actions (or inactions) that follow do not exist in a vacuum. Ultimately, every person must decide what they will do with their desire or their perceived lack thereof.

That decision—and whatever results from it—represents desire on the part of the person who made the decision.

I’ll be writing about this subject in a number of future blogs. Namely because I have a desire to do so.

– — –

Think About This:

“Desire is the starting point of all achievement, not a hope, not a wish, but a keen, pulsating desire which transcends everything.”

Napoleon Hill, American author (1883-1970)

Manly men do not sit right next to each other in the movie theater.

They may do so only if the theater is packed full to capacity.  Scratch that.  If the theater is packed full to capacity, a manly man will make a less manly man move so that there is one empty seat between him and his equally manly friend.

There is no compromising in manly-man world.  Only different degrees of suffering for those who are less manly.

I can’t explain this law; it’s more instinctual than anything else, almost like an unwritten code of conduct.  Besides, the empty seat is a great place to stash your popcorn, candy, and slingshots.  (After all, people who stand up directly in front of you to go to the bathroom need to know how you feel about your view being obstructed.)

– — –

Thought of the Day:

“They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They’re not laughing now.”

Bob Monkhouse, comedian (1928-2003)

No umbrellas.  Manly men do not use umbrellas.  They don’t care if their head gets wet, and they certainly don’t care if their hair gets messed up.  Pretty boys need not apply to the Manly Hair Club for Men.

After all, if there was ever an instance in which a manly man would actually need an umbrella—say, if six-inch hail was falling from the sky, the umbrella wouldn’t do much good, anyway.  If that was the case, a manly man would use a less manly man to shield him from the hail.

The only situation in which a manly man should keep an umbrella in his trunk is if he uses it to beat people, preferably muggers, purse snatchers, bank robbers, and people who take 25 items through the express lane.

– — –

Thought of the Day:

“They deem him their worst enemy who tells them the truth.”

Plato, philosopher (427-347 BC)