Deutsch’s Diatribe

I am hardly interested in the Oscar Awards. I might give them a passing glance once the winners are announced, but I certainly don’t watch the ceremony on television. I have better things to do than that. Like sleep.

No, the awards I’m interested in are known as the Razzies, and they’re given out every year for the worst films and the worst performances in Hollywood. The official name of the awards are the Golden Raspberry Awards, and they’re in their 30th year of existence. You read that correctly.

This year, there’s twice the fun at the Razzies, because voters are picking the worst of the decade, as well as the worst of 2009. Can it get better than that? With apologies to comedian Brian Regan, I submit that it can not! Hollywood needs to be called out for the crap that it produces on a consistent basis, and the Razzies do just that.

For instance, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen? It sucked. Admit it. The result? Seven Razzie nominations! Land of the Lost also landed seven nominations, while Megan Fox garnered worst actress nominations for two different movies (Revenge of the Fallen and Jennifer’s Body). How dead-on is that?

Click here for an article that details some more highlights from this year’s nominations, and click here to visit the Razzies website. Award winners will be announced on Saturday, March 6 . . . one day before the Oscars. As it should be.

At my weekly men’s prayer meeting, I learned a very simple yet powerful strategy involving how God can work in your life. And it’s quite easy to remember, because it involves three steps, and they all start with the letter O.

1. Opportunity–God provides an opportunity for you to do something.
2. Obedience–You are obedient in seizing the opportunity that he has provided for you.
3. Outcome–God is faithful, because of your obedience, to bring about the desired outcome.

When you consider that only one of the three steps are our responsibility, how difficult could it be? Right?

– — –

Think About This:

“One act of obedience is better than one hundred sermons.”

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, German Lutheran pastor (1906-1945)

Here’s an expression I love: “Thank you in advance.”

It’s great because you say it assuming the person is going to do what you’ve asked them to do. In fact, by saying it, you infer that if the person doesn’t do what you’ve asked, then they should somehow feel a twinge of regret or guilt. As if what you’re asking isn’t that much of a burden and won’t take up too much of their time.

In many instances, you don’t even wait for them to answer. This is especially the case if you’re writing a letter . . . because how are they going to answer? With another letter?

“I know you’re going to do this, because I’m me and you’re you, so . . . thanks in advance.”

It’s almost as if they should feel grateful that you took the time to thank them in advance. After all, they should be happy you thanked them at all! I mean really, the unmitigated gall! What? Do they believe they deserve something MORE? What is the matter with people these days?

Um, sorry about that. I kind of got carried away. Please forgive me.

I thank you in advance.

– — –

Think About This:

“If you wait to do everything until you’re sure it’s right, you’ll probably never do much of anything.”

Win Borden, author (1943 – present)

So of course, this is the time when you see all sorts of advice articles regarding New Year’s Resolutions, how to make them, how to keep them, etc.  One article I came across recently contained a rather interesting suggestion for how to ensure you keep your resolutions.  That suggestion is this one:

“Get better friends.”

Okay, now correct me if I’m wrong, but this sounds more like an actual resolution than it does a way in which to keep them. I suppose there are instances where it would make sense, say if your resolution was to “stop robbing banks.”  And if you’re a crystal meth addict, and you have friends who are crystal meth addicts, then it would also seem to be a sound strategy. But I’ve yet to have a friend of mine utilize peer pressure in an attempt to talk me out of a New Year’s Resolution.

“Matt, I heard about your resolution. It ain’t gonna fly.”
“But I feel that running every red light might be hazardous to my long-term health.”
“That’s going to reflect poorly upon us, your friends. Could you just stop smoking instead?”
“But I don’t smoke.”
“Maybe it’s time you started.”
“Okay, I’ll resolve to start smoking this year. I’ll resolve to stop next year.”
“Now you’re making sense.”

– — –

Think About This:

“An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.”

Bill Vaughn, American columnist and author (1915-1977)

I love words. After all, I’m a writer. I also love how words evolve, develop, and are born.

That’s why I’m fascinated by things like Lake Superior University’s annual list of words they believe should be banned from everyday use. The school recently released its 35^th annual list, and as you might imagine, the list contains some deserving choices.  At the top of the list was the phrase “shovel-ready.”

The term refers to infrastructure projects that are ready to break ground and has been popularly used to describe road, bridge, and other construction projects fueled by stimulus funds from President Barack Obama’s administration.

But when you really think about it, that word could describe people, too. After all, we’re going to die one day. That makes us all “shovel-ready,” doesn’t it?

“Hey, Frank. I hear that Marco isn’t doing so hot these days.”
“No, he isn’t. He’s in the intensive care unit now. It don’t look too good.”
“He’s pretty much shovel-ready, ain’t he?”

– — –

Think About This:

“Slang is a language that rolls up its sleeves, spits on its hands, and goes to work.”

Carl Sanburg, American writer, editor, and poet (1878-1967)

People underestimate the importance of desire. Nothing can happen without desire. It precedes every action, including the act of getting out of bed in the morning. If you don’t have a desire to do so, you’re not going to do so.

Actually, let me clarify that a little further. If your desire to get out of bed is not greater than your desire to stay in bed, then you’re not going anywhere. Everybody has a desire to do something. You might be saying to yourself, “You’re wrong, Matt. I don’t want to do anything.” Well, in actuality, you’re saying, “I have a desire to do nothing.”

And why is that? Because not only are both desire and lack of desire a conscious choice, so are the actions that result from them. Desire in the mind and the actions (or inactions) that follow do not exist in a vacuum. Ultimately, every person must decide what they will do with their desire or their perceived lack thereof.

That decision—and whatever results from it—represents desire on the part of the person who made the decision.

I’ll be writing about this subject in a number of future blogs. Namely because I have a desire to do so.

– — –

Think About This:

“Desire is the starting point of all achievement, not a hope, not a wish, but a keen, pulsating desire which transcends everything.”

Napoleon Hill, American author (1883-1970)

Manly men do not sit right next to each other in the movie theater.

They may do so only if the theater is packed full to capacity.  Scratch that.  If the theater is packed full to capacity, a manly man will make a less manly man move so that there is one empty seat between him and his equally manly friend.

There is no compromising in manly-man world.  Only different degrees of suffering for those who are less manly.

I can’t explain this law; it’s more instinctual than anything else, almost like an unwritten code of conduct.  Besides, the empty seat is a great place to stash your popcorn, candy, and slingshots.  (After all, people who stand up directly in front of you to go to the bathroom need to know how you feel about your view being obstructed.)

– — –

Thought of the Day:

“They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They’re not laughing now.”

Bob Monkhouse, comedian (1928-2003)

No umbrellas.  Manly men do not use umbrellas.  They don’t care if their head gets wet, and they certainly don’t care if their hair gets messed up.  Pretty boys need not apply to the Manly Hair Club for Men.

After all, if there was ever an instance in which a manly man would actually need an umbrella—say, if six-inch hail was falling from the sky, the umbrella wouldn’t do much good, anyway.  If that was the case, a manly man would use a less manly man to shield him from the hail.

The only situation in which a manly man should keep an umbrella in his trunk is if he uses it to beat people, preferably muggers, purse snatchers, bank robbers, and people who take 25 items through the express lane.

– — –

Thought of the Day:

“They deem him their worst enemy who tells them the truth.”

Plato, philosopher (427-347 BC)

Testosterone is a subject that screams to be blogged about. There are a number of reasons, but the main one is this—it can either be your friend . . . or your enemy.  That’s why I’m titling this series of blogs “Testosterone: Friend or Foe.”

What better person to discuss this subject than a man, who has first-hand experience with testosterone and the mind-altering qualities it possesses. It might surprise you that a man would come right out and state that testosterone can be detrimental to his existence, that it’s not some be-all, end-all elixir hormone capable of solving any problem or meeting any need, without the aid of pesky directions.

Nothing could be more misleading. Just like anything else, testosterone has its positive aspects and its negative ones, and also like anything else, its impact is predicated as much upon the person in possession of the hormone as the hormone itself. And guys, just relax. Although it might seem as though I’m participating in some passive form of male bashing, all I’m really doing is telling the truth.

Of course, the truth is often one of those things that testosterone has a real problem with.

– — –

Think About This:

“Testosterone has been accorded vast powers, as the libido hormone, the aggression hormone, and the dominance hormone.”

Anonymous

Okay, I feel I must provide a little clarification on this particular series of posts. When I say that people are either in one camp or the other—vampires or zombies—I don’t mean that the selection of said camp should based upon which one you’d rather be. All things being equal, I’d rather be neither. Luckily for me, that’s a viable option. No, the selection should be based upon which one you’re a bigger fan of within the realm of pop culture entertainment.

Now, you’re certainly permitted to choose one camp or the other based upon the fact you’d like to actually be a vampire or a zombie, but it’s not a prerequisite. Quite the contrary. When I initially thought of this series, I didn’t take the possibility—or allure—of such a transformation into consideration. (To be honest, the allure lies heavily on the vampire side. Of this I am sure.) However, it’s obvious I must take it into consideration going forward.

Consequently, when I blog about the pros and cons associated with vampires and zombies in the future, I’ll include the “What if I became one?” hypothetical situation and the scenarios that might result from such an event.  It’s only fair, I suppose, if my goal is to present an even-handed, impartial, fair, and balanced look at what might possibly be one of the most pointless arguments in the history of our civilization.

By the way, “Blood-sucking Brain Eaters” would be a great name for a band. Just saying . . .

– — –

Think About This:

“I just read this great science fiction story. It’s about how machines take control of humans and turn them into zombie slaves! HEY! What time is it? My TV show is on!”

Calvin, from the comic strip Calvin & Hobbes, by Bill Watterson (1958-present)